Portland Burger Blog Goes To Burgerville; Millions Rejoice

I DESPISE FAST FOOD BUT THIS IS OBLIGATORY: We Oregonians love our Burgervilles. They succeed where other fast food franchises nationwide fail. They cook real food. All the meats and produce are locally sourced and it shows. Alongside the popular 5 Guys Burgers and Fries franchise, Burgerville is the best fast food burger Oregon can feed you.

BURGER: Don't get it twisted, it's still fast food. Don't expect any heritage beef patties or sweet brioche buns up in here. However, the supplier list reads like the grocery list of a well-to-do west hills co-op shopper. And despite the fact that this is essentially a fast food franchise, this burger is of damn high quality. Just look at how fresh that green leaf lettuce is, and that tomato is red, not the pathetic pinkish mush round that fast food burgers rarely even include on their burgers.

FRIES: Thicker and more substantial than typical fast food fries, but fast food fries nonetheless. They serve their purpose well.

SERVICE: Adorably teenage in most cases. It's fast food for craps sake. I'm only writing this review to show other burger snobs that Burgerville is legit.

WHERE: Multiple locations throughout Oregon and Washington. www.burgerville.com

The Weirdest Burger This Blog Ever Ate

ONE OF MY FAVORITE PORTLAND BARS: is Muu Muu's. And it sits in the coveted spot beside Cinema 21 on 21st Street, or as the locals call it "Trendy First Street". Needless to say, I find myself up in that area often since I am painfully trendy (in my mind)-deal with it. So after one particularly harrowing night of hipsterdom, when my gut was more microbrew than anything else and the liar bar across the street, Wimpy's, had no burger to speak of (How dare they! Their very name implies I'll be paying next Tuesday for a burger I'm getting today) I figured I may as well roll the dice on this atmospheric hub of well dressed 20 and 30 somethings that is Muu Muu's. The results were really fucking weird.

BURGER: A 1/3lb patty cooked to death and then cut to fit onto a hoagie roll. Laden with molten american cheese, ketchup and mustard and then stuffed, inexplicably, with french fries. I'm no stranger to piling french fries on a burger...when I'm stoned and 17 years old. All around me were lovely plates of bar nosh, so I was understandably embarrassed trying to stuff this monster into my sophisticated lady mouth. Results were mixed, I liked the idea that I may be able to enjoy something that a high-as-balls teenage me would appreciate, but that's also why I hated it. I'm in my 30's over here. Seriously.

FRIES: Bought in, frozen fries. They became starchy mush the minute they passed through my lips with what should not have been but was arbitrary meat chunks passing through the thick fog of bargain fried potato. Again, just a weird experience. I know it sounds worse than it was. That stoned teenager inside of me nom nom nomm'd the crap out of that hoager/burgie while the stoned adult was just hanging around being snarky.

SERVICE: I have nothing but love for the staff at Muu Muu's. Whenever I visit, the vibe of the bar makes me feel like I'm living my Portland dreams. There's always an interesting mix of people and the location is so, well, hip. They get the high marks of the night,

LOCATION; www.muumuus.net 612 Northwest 21st Avenue  Portland, OR 97209

(503) 223-8169

On Deck Sports Bar's Infinite Dissapointment

SHEEESH; While burger shopping the area a while back, I found On Deck. Located on the upper floor of it's faux posh building in The Pearl, with quite the expanse of rooftop seating, this joint's menu looked so amazing I almost jammed inside to burger-up right then and there. Sadly (for me) it was a game night and thus loud as all heck and packed to the rafters. I vowed to come back, and two burger blogs later, I did. Unfortunately my experience here was marred by my own expectations, which I had built up over a few weeks. Let me tell you all about it...

BURGER; When I spotted the juicy lucy burger on the menu a few weeks back, I knew what future On Deck held for me. It wanted to squirt hot cheese into my gaping maw. And I wanted to let it. What arrived before me after my anticipatory wait was a plain white roll, one limp green leaf, brown at it's edges, a pale, mealy tomato and thick slices of white onion. The beef was cheap. I was terribly afraid after a few bites that I may break a tooth on a floating bone shard or formidable chunk of well done gristle. While my burger offered an acceptable amount of gooey american cheese buried in it's overcooked meatwad, my companion was nearly halfway through his burger before he hit cheesy paydirt, and when he found that cheese, it was such a paltry amount that he actually considered sending the whole thing back. Hunger got the best of him and he powered through, with the frown of a man done wrong by a burger. These burgers were not made with love or respect and it showed.

FRIES; Frozen, run of the mill fries. Absolutely nothing memorable about them. The salad was a handful of chopped romaine with a couple of sliced cucumbers and shredded carrots.

SERVICE; Cheery if not perfectly attentive. This is a loud, sports bar, and even on a lazy afternoon when the Ducks or the Beavers or the Blazers arent playing on one of the trillion flat screens that literally consume the entire place, those televisions will still be screaming at you the entire time you're there. Pearl District dwelling sports fans, as I'm sure you already know, this seems like a great place to scream at your fave team and commiserate over brews, but only order the burger if you're too drunk to give a rats ass about what it tastes like. Full Bar, kid friendly in designated areas.

WHERE; 910 NW 14th Avenue, Portland, OR OnDeckSportsBar.com

Stick Your Mouth On Dick's Kitchen

DRINK FOR EVERY DOUBLE ENTENDRE; From the walls stare the heads of many famous Dicks; Dick Nixon, Dick Tracy, and Dick Van Dyke to name a few. This motif is coupled with a "stone age diner" ideal they are establishing with their health-centric menu. Dick's beef is of the highest quality, locally farmed and always grass fed. This in particular is not unique for a Portland burger, but the methodology is. Research has shown that an organic, balanced carnivorous diet without processed food, sugar, dairy and gluten can reduce inflamation and some metabolism related health concerns. Yes y'all, Dick's science informed us that we need to eat more awesome burgers. I respect Dick, his powerfully health concious menu, and his reverence for meat.

BURGER; Unbeatable patties. Hand formed balls of strait-up love. You can literally taste how good this cow's life was. This post will concern itself mainly with the Zissou Burger. This patty has had the fortunate experience of having onions smashed into it. Then some local fungus and some house made pickles rolled up into the scenario and posted up under a swiss cheese umbrella. Then this ragtag bunch teamed up with a soft, butter grilled potato bun, some crisp, iceberg lettuce and a wild little tomato. Seared in cast iron skillets and cooked to order, aside from one experience with not-quite rehydrated mushrooms, I can strongly recommend this burger.

FRIES; A fun take on traditional diner fries, these fresh yukon gold or sweet potato "air baked" fries (fries cooked in a convection oven) are easily as tasty as diner fires covered in salty grease. Optional dipping sauces include wasabi aioli and Cambodian garlic sauce. Dick's side orders are solid throughout, with their weekly specials being persistently fantastic.

SERVICE; Totally fine in every way. A handful of cheeky cocktails that masquerade as milkshakes. Beer and wine. Oh, and the malteds are on point.

WHERE; 3312 SE Belmont Street, Portland and a new location at 704 NW 21st Ave, Portland www.dkportland.com

Bridgeport Brewery and What I Can Only Assume is an Overpriced Donkey Show

OH, COME ON; Cavalia, Cirque Du Soleil's newest spectacular is attracting affluent horse enthusiasts from all over the tri-county area. It's stark white tent glowing beneath the Fremont Bridge like a chimerical used tissue attracted me as I ambled around the Pearl District. I repeatedly wondered aloud how hard it could really be to sneak in while I unconsciously zombie walked toward it. Thankfully the smell of beef char and fresh beer emanating from the queerly tucked away Bridgeport Brewery snapped me out of Cavalia's spell and probably saved me from a hard-to-explain arrest.

BURGER; Of the 5 burger options, I settled on the basic burger, figuring it would give me the best insight into the burger strength of the brewpub. The wheat bun was just a tiny but stiff, not quite stale but particularly close. The 1/2 pound of cascade natural beef was right in the dead center of the road, provoking no soft, happy moans or eye-rolls. Bread and butter pickles, fresh from a plastic jug, one mealy, insignificant slice of tomato, red onion and green leaf lettuce graced the white cheddar topped patty. The basic burger was disappointingly, well, basic.

FRIES; Frozen, generic fries, with no remarkable attributes, other than price-point perhaps. I would avoid them. We supplemented our meal with a roasted beet and hazelnut spinach salad that was prepared beautifully, and leads me to believe that maybe this is not the brewery to be ordering burgers and fries in...

SERVICE; Great servers with fun, sunny attitudes. We arrived at peak Saturday night rush time, and though we didn't receive ultimate service (I hate waiting for water refills), I thought everyone worked together fairly well and all in all our experience was pleasant. When our bill arrived, a brochure for Cavalia was inserted in the guest-check sleeve. One of the promotional quotes read "The world's best show about horse love" which is why I named this post what I named it.

WHERE; 1313 NW Marshall Street, Portland www.bridgeportbrew.com

Deschutes Brewpub, Serving Oregon Lore, Totems and Burgers

TIMBER!; An imposing dining area adorned with enormous wood carvings that detail pioneer life in the pacific northwest as well sky high totems welcome to you a little cloud of Portland's fabled "beervana". Deschutes' Portland Brewpub is located in that veritable Bermuda Triangle of tourism known as the Pearl District. Spitting distance from such gotta-see stalwarts as Powells City of Books and Ground Kontrol Classic Arcade, this slice of Oregon pride is highly recommended on your list of places to take your noisy, restless, here-for-the-holidays family.

BURGER; 3 choices, all of them with attributes to beat the band. As per usual, I opt for the classic burger, listed at Deschutes as the Brewery Burger. A juicy, hand formed Coleman Ranch 1/2 lb patty, well seasoned and dripping with Tillamook cheddar supports sweet, ripe tomato, thinly sliced red onion and tender butter lettuce leaves. The bun is house made, with a soft, pillowy texture that compliments everything it's supporting. At 12 bucks, it's a tad pricey, but certainly worth the cost if you care about locally sourced ingredients, especially the beef.

FRIES; Fresh yukon golds or sweet potatoes cooked with care and attention, sourced locally and well seasoned. I enjoy the salad option as well. A heap of beautiful field greens dressed with a beer based house made dressing will bring me joy any day of the week.

SERVICE; Abundant and stoked that you showed up. Beer smart and enthusiastic, these servers are a well oiled machine, keeping beers full, water glasses topped off, and bellies satiated. Very friggin kid friendly with a bar area that is equally as cacophonous as the young nieces and nephews you brought with you. Beer and wine only.

WHERE; 210 NW 11th Ave, Portland www.deschutesbrewery.com