They Say The Neon Lights Are Bright on Broadway Brewery's Windows

BUT IS THERE MAGIC IN THE AIR?; No, and there isn't an ounce of camp in the joint. It's just a little neighborhood brewpub with a few acceptable brews and a typical brewery menu. It's location, just a few blocks from Skyline Burgers, is right in the hardened artery of the Northeast known as NE Broadway. Surrounded by such fantastic gems as Thatch Tiki Bar, The Swift Bar ( I wrote a song about their fondue fries) and The Cadillac Cafe, you'd be right to think that this brewery is worthy of it's neighbors, but while the beer may hit the spot, the burger probably wont.

BURGER; I have had the brewery burger here before and I don't recall any part of it. Bad sign. On this visit, I ordered the special, a 1/2 lb of Piedmont beef, a (supposedly) house made bbq sauce, topped with a beer battered onion ring. I did in fact receive all of those things. The huge hunk of beef was grilled strait from the freezer and overcooked, robbed of any of the flavor the good folks at Piedmont Ranch worked so hard to impart. The bbq sauce was frugal. A sparse squirt from a squeeze bottle was more for decoration than anything else. The onion ring, lettuce onion and tomato were serviceable. Unless I'm dining at an establishment that is focused on a classic, fast-food style burger, I consider it a bad sign when my server fails to ask me how I would like my meat cooked, as was the case here.

FRIES; You can imagine from the tale of the burger that the fries were less than stellar. Basic, frozen fries, no real redeeming qualities. If they were drowned in chili and cheese, and I was 3 or 4 beers deep, I would be singing a different song. Unfortunately, I was sober, hungry and disappointed.

SERVICE; Girls girls girls. Girls in tight black tops, girls in short black skirts. girls in boots and girls in clogs. I was impressed at the managers ability to zero in on the exact type of lady he or she finds most attractive and hire 25 of her. She's a fine sever, but you can tell she's just saving up for massage classes or grad school. Full bar. Kid friendly.

WHERE; 1700 NE Broadway Portland www.drinkbeerhere.com

Juicy Lucy's Ellusive Food Truck Breaks My Heart to Pieces

AWWW; Yea, no kidding. After a brief but passionate affair with this food truck last summer, it was suddenly gone from my life. No text message, no email, nothing. Juicy Lucy Truck, I though we had something special. I was prepared to devote my mouth to you. Regardless of your callous termination of our intimate relationship, I still want to shout from the mountaintops what an amazing burger you were.

BURGER; Classic Minneapolis Juicy Lucys call for a beef patty stuffed with molten cheese, preferably American, with cheddar an acceptable alternative. What set this charming food truck apart from it's mid-west counterpart was the tender, pillow talk details, such as zucchini pickles and a sweet homemade 1000 Island dressing that took the idea of mixing relish, ketchup and mayonnaise to an almost erotic level. A little yelping proved my point, with not one rating under 4 stars. Most reviewers not only wrote long, overly personal reviews but also gave Juicy Lucy a 5 star rating.

FRIES; Did they serve fries?? I will never know!!

SERVICE; It's either one dude in a truck or two dudes in a truck. But they're gone now (le sigh)

WHERE; My dreams, now and forever.