Portland Burger Week: Slow Bar

Slow Bar is the first place I think to recommend when anyone asks me where to grab a burger. And bahn mi is a Vietnamese sandwich I used to get in Anaheim, CA that I dream of to this day. Naturally the combination of these two things had my salivators salivating. I mean, Slow Bar kills it every time, right? Right? RIGHT?

Well, not really. The savory signature Slow Bar beef was significantly less savory than usual, the heavy slaw mixture that is probably the most recognizable feature of the bahn mi (beside the namesake bread) was conspicuously light. And the sesame brioche was far too sweet, it quickly became cloying. This was a very obvious attempt at a simple, easy to churn out burger-week burger, and the unfortunate result is the best burger in town phoning it in. Hold up though, Slow Bar crushed burger week last year, so they get a pass this year.  I still love Slow Bar and I will continue to tell everyone to always go there. They transcend burger week.

Portland Burger Week is an annual event that showcases some of Portland's favorite burgers. Participating bars, restaurants and cafes offer specially crafted burgers for $5 each. You can see a full list of Burger Week offerings here

The American Local; Weak Necked Heaven/Possible Snoresville

The American Local is one of many exciting eateries on SE Division (driving down that street sucks a lot more than it did 5 years ago but that's beside the point I guess). If you can withstand the intoxicating aromas of Pok Pok or the even more intoxicating muddy drug water at Bula Kava you'll only get as far as The American Local before you and your olfactories are bewitched by the saporous bouquets and cacaphonous festivity within. The community table layout and wide open kitchen is warm and genial. There's an exciting energy that buzzes with Portland pride, the chefs toss fragrant dishes with wide smiles and the servers laugh heartily with the patrons.  It's got that tongue in cheek "high concept-low-brow" approach that is so popular these days but it's execution is razor sharp. Can you tell how much I like this place or what?

Burger: My first bite was heaven. True eye rolling, deep  moaning, weak necked heaven. The burger is simple, letting each component compliment the others without getting too fussy. Now, I'm a champion of simplicity in burgers, I like the taste of beef  between fluffy brioche without a whole lot of brouhaha happening in between. The American Local nailed it HOWEVER, by bite 4, I was bored. Let this be the case against oversimplifying. There should be something to break up the savory meat, airy bread, bit of greenery situation. My utter veneration of the burger that seduced me for two bites was whisked away like a brief (like, seriously brief) passionate love affair. I would recommend the burger, but I would recommend it be shared alongside a few of the seasonal menu's fantastic looking small plates. That way you get all the soft weird moans and none of the equally weird yawn snores.

Fries: Fresh cut Kennebec potatoes, fried up and salted perfectly. Exactly what you expect and nothing more. Served with a side of *special sauce 

Service: Great! Attentive, personable, funny and very easy going. I kinda wanted to high five our server on the way out, he gave us serious high five vibes. Oh and take note, beers are overpriced and under-poured, so yeah... just an FYI

Where: 3003 SE Division  theamericanlocal.com

* I'm pretty sure it's just ketchup mixed with mayo and mustard

Sports, Dorks and The Jolly Roger

At a dinner party a while back, a fellow Californian recommended The Jolly Roger to me with the thrilling claim, "it's just like In n' Out." After a certain amount of years without a beloved Double Double, a person might develop some hallucinatory oral hokum regarding what's arguably the best fast food burger on earf because frankly, The Jolly Roger's resemblance to In n' Out pretty much starts and ends with "they both serve burgers."
The Jolly Roger is a reliably divey sports bar, co-opted, like so much of the SE, by soft pastel grunge hipsters. However, visiting on a Saturday afternoon was a lesson in maintaining a mellow constitution while all of the airborne sports balls being telecast around us worked an entire bar full of jersey clad fanboys and girls into a frenzy (I had the distinct feeling that I was in Beaverton all of a sudden - where was all the pastel soft grunge?).

Burger; Well, dude I met once at a dinner party, these burgers are NOT comparable to  In n' Out. Just no. Maybe if I hadn't gotten my breadbasket all juiced up for something "animal style" I wouldn't have had such an adverse reaction. Put simply, The Jolly Roger is a very basic bar burger. The beef is slapped on a flat top, presumably from frozen, leaving the eater with the distinct essence of 100 years of greasy frost. The gluey american cheese felt more synthetic than it should have and the shredded iceberg and tomato both suffered for it. The dense potato bun was the best thing about the burger, which makes me a little sad. All this being said, if you're hammer-wasted with all your pastel soft grunge friends and you need to soak up some liqueur post haste, this burger will be the best thing you ever ate (probably, because that how drunkenness works).

Fries: Frozen, thick cut steak fries that also have an over-processed feeling to them that is mildly disturbing. But again, the drunker you are, the better these probably taste.

Service; Actually pretty solid. Our server handled our snooty behinds with ease while she juggled an entire bar full of revved up sports heads. It was impressive.

Where: 1340 Se 12th Ave JollyRestaurants.com

Lardo on Hawthorne and the Legend of Porklandia

 

Portland might as well change it's name to Porkland. This city fetishises pork all day every day. Enter Lardo, a porky wonderland of a restaurant with a uniquely Portland evolution. Lardo went from food truck to restaurant to triple outpost chain in roughly five years. That alone is a testament to this city's love of swine. It's not surprising that Lardo has seen such success, they take their pork mad serious, and this is a city that generally rewards dedication and perfectionism especially when it comes to charcuteries on wheels.

Burger: Two 1/4 lb patties, smothered in cheddar and topped with another 1/3 lb of Lardo's famed "porkstrami", a thick cut pastrami that falls apart like the stuff of meaty daydreams. This towering meatscape was habilitated with a rich, velvety aioli and romaine confetti exploding out of the sides like a new year's party popper. The fluffy brioche and  hunk of dill pickle provided the sweetness and tartness necessary to balance the salty mountain of meat. It was a beast to wrangle into my mouth, but once I got my jaws around it I was in hog heaven. Personally, I'm not super-into loads of mayo, but some people are. And if those people are also into bachanals of grilled meat they are going to lose their minds over this burger.

Fries: Lardo fries are legendary. I aint foolin. Cooked in lard and tossed with fried herbs and parmesan. I have some favorite spots for fries in PDX, but Lardo just took a dump on all of them. These are the best fries in Portland and I'm sorry if I ever made you believe otherwise.

Service; The food truck aesthetic is alive and well at Lardo's Hawthorne location where you stand in a fast moving line and order at a counter. They also have an impressive draft beer lineup, if you're into that.

Where; Multiple locations. This review took place at 1212 SE Hawthorne Blvd, Portland. www.lardopdx.com

Don't Get Your Hopes Up For Redwood

The Montavilla 'hood on SE Stark is real hit and miss when it comes to getting down on big plates of food. Tanuki,  fighting tooth and nail against their popularity, is pretty much making all the restaurants on the street look like amateur baby kitchens. Admittedly I've only reviewed one other burger in Montavilla and it was legendarily bad. Wait, I feel like I'm starting on the wrong foot. Lemme start over -Ahem- *nervously adjusts collar* Redwood is a dark, semi romantic bar with a cozy atmosphere, perfect for a boozy date night. It's got rich wood interior that feels like hanging out inside of a wine barrel. I could drink many craft beers at Redwood but it's unlikely I will be eating any more of their craft beefs.

Burger: Sometimes a burger has everything going it for it except a chef. For instance, even though this burger was dressed with fresh leaves of pastel green butter lettuce, carefully sliced red onion and a hedonistic quantity of white american cheese, the meat was so well done it was like chewing a sponge made of beef flavored leather. The bun was grilled far too aggressively and then sloppily dressed with a flavorless "special sauce" (read; this was bottled mayo someone forgot to season) I thought that this burger was disrespected by its chef and I was disappointed. Even burgers on a Friday night deserve our respect.

Fries: The second the first fry hit my lips I could tell it was at least an hour old. It had begun the process of becoming stale and overcooked. It tasted as though  it had been hovering over a fryer long after the fry basket had been lifted. And every other fry after it tasted the same. Blech.

Service; Redwood has exceptional service. Our server was exactly the perfect amount of chatty and attentive, but there was a sadness in her eyes that totally foreshadowed my burger experience. SHE KNEW!! I should pay better attention to my instincts. She was nice though.

Where: 7915 SE Stark Street Portland www.redwoodpdx.com

Editors Note: My constant companion and I worked in tandem to try both the basic burger and the vegetarian variety. I wasn't impressed my the texture of the vegetarian patty, it was mushy/mealy, but the flavor profile- a hodgepodge interpretation of Southeast Asian - was ambitious, which was impressive considering the "who cares" construction of the beef burger.

Portland Burger Week Edition! That's My Slow Jam: With Guest Blogger Jenny Keene

( EDITORS NOTE) I have enlisted one of my favorite buddies to tap me out for this burger blog- but don't get it twisted, I ate this bad boy, and it was ah-mah-zing. As always , Slow Bar burgers are a joy and I highly recommend that you drop what you're doing and go eat any one of their stellar burgers. Wait, though, don't leave just yet.  Finish reading this sweet blog first.

Brave New Burger Blogger
Well, our dear friend and burger blogger, Brianna, has been working so tirelessly and is surely taking one (or a dozen) for the team during this uber-eventful Portland Burger Week, dining and dutifully reporting on all of the delectable offerings.  But I wanted to give her blogging muscles a little break, so I volunteered to cover one of these babies for her.  Yes, when the opportunity to chow down on a brand new and all original Slowburger from the infamous Slow Bar arose, I sort of pounced on that mother faster than you can say "atsa spicy meatahball!"

So, first of all, Slow Bar is one of my favorite bars in Portland.  As Brianna has mentioned in previous blogs, it's a pretty impressive and foolproof place to show to out-of-towners. But as a straight single lady, I would like to talk with you for a second about how Slow Bar's clientele is ALWAYS 85% men, and a solid 60% of those are stylish, sexy dudes in skinny jeans.  I will admit that, for me, personally, sometimes the indisputably excellent burgers are the second best feature of Slow Bar. Single ladies, please note: the Slow Burger is basically catnip to plaid-shirted men with hip side-parts and tasteful high tops.  Go forth and get yo flaahhh-hirrrrt on, girl.

The Beef;
Okay, SO.  The burger.  The burger was clearly aiming for an Italian theme.  Slow Bar's signature 1/2 pound Painted Hills beef patty is topped with Finochianna salami, provolone, arugula, caramelized onions, and a kicky spread that bursts with fresh basil and oregano.  My first bite made me think of spaghetti!  But in a pleasing, comforting way, not in the weird way that you would expect of a spaghetti burger.

Prior to reading the description of the burger, Brianna thought the salami was actually prosciutto.  It was so thinly sliced and delicately spiced with fennel and pepper, it could have been prosciutto's more complex twin.  The provolone was satisfyingly chewy, and slightly sharper than one might expect.  The onions were thick and sweet, just the right balance for the juicy, salty patty, although perhaps just a wee bit overdone.
This, my friends, was a satisfying burger.  Slow Bar had clear Italy-centric goals for this burger concept, and it reached all of those goals with aplomb.  My only complaint was that the fat, rounded patty and slippery arugula caused one of those pitiful situations where the patty fell out from between the buns when I gripped the burger.  Jeez, round patties, get it together!

The Fries; My side of fries was pretty tasty, and went peachily with what I shall forthwith refer to as my spaghetti burger.  I was going to whine to you about how the ketchup that accompanied the fries was clearly store-bought, but then I realized how embarrassing and prissy that sounds when you say it out loud, so pretend I said something poignant about neo-marxism instead.

I recommend staying tuned to the action as it happens, as Brianna is going to eat as many of the remaining four Burger Week entries as is physically possible, and she'll be back blogging tomorrow!

WHERE; 533 SE Grand Avenue, Portland. slowbar.net

EPILOUGE; This blog posting was sponsored by James "Bobo" Fay of Animal Planet's Finding Bigfoot. And when I say sponsored, I mean he bought all of our burgers. Guest Blogger Jenny Keene is a content specialist who really kept her verbosity in check for this blog (thanks, yo!), you can see more of her fine work here.

Portland Burger Week Edition! Spam Musubi Burger at Ate-Oh-Ate

Do People go to Hawaii for the food? I don't know, but if I had to guess, I would say...maybe? That was the bottom line of the convo I was having as I crossed the threshold into Ate-Oh-Ate. Having heard fantastic thangs about their spam and egg stacked contribution to Burger Week, I was pondering my limited experience with the cuisine, admittedly confined to loco moco and weirdly sexy island fruit. Oh, and spam.

BURGER; For anyone who rolled their eyes at a burger with fried spam on it (I was one of you), know this; spam abso-effing-lutley rivals bacon as a deliciously logical burger topper. This burger was a testimony to balance of flavor. A voluptuous patty, precisely perched on a tailor made, aioli dressed brioche. Two thick slices of grilled spam and an over easy egg that broke with the gentlest nudge, enveloping the tightly constructed burger in a veil of smooth, velvety yolk. I had the pleasure/displeasure of arriving at the tail end of a massive rush, which resulted in about an hour wait- the consequence being a burger patty that was seasoned and pressed to order. As far as I'm concerned, I got there just in time.

FRIES: Noope. But macaroni salad is a decent beach-bbq-throwback side dish. I could almost hear the waves crashing (not really).

SERVICE; It's day two of Burger Week and they're overwhelmed, but dang if they're not pulling off with some serious grace. Maybe it's an island thing.

WHERE; 2454 E Burnside St, Portland (503) 445-6101 ate-oh-ate.com

Portland Burger Week Edition! Kimcheese Burger at Foster Burger

 I've Waited My Whole Life for This Week: With burger week celebrations exploding around the country, it was only a matter of time before Portland, with it's acres and acres of organic farro and frise fed bovine, got behind the trend. The crazy business that is Portland Burger week will see all types of madness manifesting in $5 dagwood-esque, everything-but-the-kitchen-sink burgers. Today, we beat the rush to Foster Burger, a blog favorite, to go nuts on an illogical fusion burger that somehow made me reconsider my idea of illogical fusion burgers.

BURGER; When venturing out to revel in the spoils of burger week, one must remember that, for 5 bux, you might not be getting the burger monstrosities that you may be accustomed to getting at these participating restaurants. For example, my affection for Foster Burgers thick, succulent patty was defeated when I realized that the kimcheese burger was a mere 4oz patty. No biggie, except that the cook at that size will be medium well, not a huge thumbs up for we who enjoy a pinker patty. Also, the inspired accouterments, a heap of locally made kimchi, mildly spiced cilantro spread, thick cut applewood bacon, glut of cheddar cheese and sky-high sesame brioche overwhelmed the smaller patty, and all that delectable foster beef just sorta disappeared beneath so many strong flavors. Now, that said, this was still easily one of the best five dollar burgers i have ever eaten in my life (I mean, seriously? Kimchi and cheddar? I can't even...) and I can only hope that Foster Burger recreates the insanity that is the kimcheese burger with their signature Foster Burger Patty in the near future.

FRIES: I've mentioned in previous reviews how solid Foster Burger's fries are, so I decided to really set off burger week in style, with a big-azz plate of poutine. I stand by my previous assessment- the fries are solid- but I made a mistake ordering a bowl of disco fries AND an insanity burger. Learn from me, just get some coleslaw instead. Cabbage is excellent for digestion.

SERVICE; Be gentle, it's burger week, they're moving as fast as they can.

WHERE; 5339 SE Foster Road Portland fosterburger.com

Top 5 Burgers To Eat in Portland Before You Move To Brooklyn (or Austin, or Minneapolis, or Los Feliz or Whatever)

I get a lot of burger based questions, but none more often than -So what's your favorite burger? After 3 years of burger exploration, I think I'm finally ready to answer that oft uttered query, and compile my first "Best Of" list. Let's take a trip down burger avenue AKA memory lane.

5. Best Sunday Afternoon Brunch Burger - BAR BAR

This low key burger is a perfect way to round out a debaucherous weekend. Between 2 moderately dense potato buns is some serious upscale faux fast food paydirt. The supple, cheese swaddled patties, crisp shredded iceberg and thoughtful tomato jam will soak up your residual party juice from last night while giving you the fuel you to continue day drinking. Bonus points for Mississippi Studios being a great place to patio-relax with your hungover self. Click Here For My Original Review
Where: BAR BAR 3939 N. Mississippi www.mississippistudios.com

4. Best Lunch Break Burger- Killer Burger

With a handful of locations to serve your meat hungry palette, Killer Burger is nailing the daily afternoon
burger experience. They have a menu that is equal parts "Oh hell yeah" and " WTF?" with burgers to please even the most dangerously adventurous pallets, that is to say they have a peanut butter bacon burger AND a burger so spicy you are required to sign a waver before ingesting it. Click Here For My Original Review

Where: Flagship-4644 NE Sandy Blvd

3. Best Happy Hour Burger - East Burn

I love this burger. It is some of the best seasoned meat in town, served on a cibatta roll with a quadrillion nooks and crannies for  ultimate juice absorption. Embellished with fresh, hyper green butter lettuce, thinner than paper red onion and tomato so succulent that your first bite will result in maaad tomato ejaculate. The service is stellar, the patio is an oasis, and the basement arcade is a really fun place to deal with your lifelong claustrophobia issues. Click Here For My Original Review

Where:  EastBurn 1800 E Burnside 503-236-2876

www.theeastburn.com

2. Best Burger To Feed To Your Out-Of-Town Buddies- Slow Bar

Consistently on every foodie's top ten Burgers of  Portland list, and with good reason. Slow Bar's Slow Burger is a game changer. The impossibly thick patties are like fleshy cushions, yielding a spectacular arrangement of flavor that seems to grow more complex with each bite. The flagship burger is topped with a ridiculously huge onion ring, but the summer slow burger (shown here) was a masterclass in thoughtful restraint. I await it with baited breath each summer season. I mean, c'mon, look at those pickle slices. They are perfection. Click Here For My Original Review

Where: 533 SE Grand Ave www.slowbar.net

1. Best Burger In Portland- Foster Burger

From the moment I first walked into Foster Burger I just had a great feeling that I would be eating the burger to end all burgers that day. And while it's insanely close to Slow Burger in terms of life change-ability, it's comes out ahead for one reason; fatback. Their ground beef recipe is so neck snappingly delicious that I restrict myself to one foster burger a year. For fear of breaking my neck. With a signature burger based on the Australian standard of burgers, topped with pickled beets and a fried egg, Foster Burger is doing something so different, yet so friggin familiar that it borders on crazy magic. Also, they framed all of their worst Yelp reviews and that's funny to me. Click Here To Read My Original Review
Where: 5339 SE Foster Road  www.fosterburger.com

Portland Burger Blog Goes To Burgerville; Millions Rejoice

I DESPISE FAST FOOD BUT THIS IS OBLIGATORY: We Oregonians love our Burgervilles. They succeed where other fast food franchises nationwide fail. They cook real food. All the meats and produce are locally sourced and it shows. Alongside the popular 5 Guys Burgers and Fries franchise, Burgerville is the best fast food burger Oregon can feed you.

BURGER: Don't get it twisted, it's still fast food. Don't expect any heritage beef patties or sweet brioche buns up in here. However, the supplier list reads like the grocery list of a well-to-do west hills co-op shopper. And despite the fact that this is essentially a fast food franchise, this burger is of damn high quality. Just look at how fresh that green leaf lettuce is, and that tomato is red, not the pathetic pinkish mush round that fast food burgers rarely even include on their burgers.

FRIES: Thicker and more substantial than typical fast food fries, but fast food fries nonetheless. They serve their purpose well.

SERVICE: Adorably teenage in most cases. It's fast food for craps sake. I'm only writing this review to show other burger snobs that Burgerville is legit.

WHERE: Multiple locations throughout Oregon and Washington. www.burgerville.com

The Cat Who Made Me Hate Burgers For One Night

I NEVER WANTED TO PUNCH A CAT SO HARD IN MY LIFE:  After a lovely night of wandering around hungry, my companion and I thought we might be able to recreate  the brunch magic we'd experienced earlier at The Country Cat. Let me tell you why I will never ever ever ever eat there for dinner again. NEVER EVER EVER. And also I hate cats from the country now.

BURGER: A huge, thick, ridiculously seasoned ball of over cooked, chewy meat. A salt bomb of massive proportions. All beef flavor was lost in a hideous cloud of garlic salt and msg. I asked for a medium rare burger and received a hard beef softball. I regret even talking about burgers in this tone...let's move on.

FRIES: I opted for the onion rings which were a greasy farce, a breaded deception. My fingers were pruning with the residual grease. Unhappiness, your name is Country Cat Burger and Onion Rings.

SERVICE: Better than you. Regardless of who you are. They're better, Deal with it. On a side note. I was here on a busy Friday night, and having experienced a mostly radical brunch here, I was let down. But that's just my experience. By all means, go enjoy their phenomenal bloody marys and breakfast potatoes. JUST NEVER GET THE BURGER.

WHERE:7937 Southeast Stark Street, Portland, OR

(503) 408-1414 ‎ · thecountrycat.net

The Day I Found The Other Killer Burger

I KNEW YOU EXISTED SOMEWHERE: Apparently you were hiding in the wilds of Sellwood, amidst the fir trees and antique shops and montessori schools. You vixen you. What a chase.What a payoff. (Click here to read my original review of Killer Burger's flagship cafe on NE Sandy wherein I do more than wax poetic)

BURGER: You know the story, these burgers are great. It's a gift to Sellwood and a perfect way to wrap up your day of vintage coverlet coveting or latex gloved rummaging at the Bins.

FRIES: My favorite fries in the city of Portland are produced at Killer Burger. Yeah, they're frozen, but there is some secret sorcery in the young nimble hands of the Killer Burger team members that impart some salty magic into these ketchup delivery wands.

SERVICE: It is joy to be served in Killer Burger. It seems that everyone loves their work and loves their customers. I love getting sunshine blown up my asshole while I shove a burger in my face hole.

WHERE: 8728 Southeast 17th Avenue
Portland, OR 97202
(503) 841-5906
killerburgerpdx.com‎

Summer Slow Burger; Probably No Longer Available, But Make a Note for Next Year

RAD SUMMER OF THE MIRACLE BURGER; I vote yes on Slow Bar's Slowburger. It continues to be in my top 10 places to send folks for a solid Portland burger. The meat is always supple and perfectly seasoned, the seasonal additions are always thoughtful and balanced, and the atmosphere is pure Portland; gorgeous servers, sexy, private booths, and a badass bar. I was late to the party, not receiving my summer slowburger till the last week of August, but damn, it was worth the wait.

BURGER; The classic, sky high, hand formed patty, swollen with it's own perfectly seasoned juices, accompanied by sharp white cheddar, an heirloom tomato, slim, sandwich sliced dill pickles and crisp leaves of iceberg lettuce is the complete embodiment of a foodie's summer bbq. Next summer can't come soon enough. Though, I'll be singing a different song when the Fall Slowburger takes it rightful place on the Slow Bar menu.

FRIES: Slow Bar has solid fries, but I will always opt for the salad with it's gorgeous vinaigrette and house spiced nuts. Besides, look at the size of that beast, who needs fries with that?

SERVICE; Pretty, witty and on top of their game. Slow Bar has a great cocktail menu, a solid bar menu and an atmosphere that is at once intimate and social. High marks all around, Slow Bar. Good Job.

WHERE; 533 SE Grand AV,  Portland. www.slowbar.net

Boogies Burgers; Great Burgers, Horrible Name

Burger and Booger are already practically homonyms: So why, one might ask, would a burger shack want to call attention to that tonal similarity? Well, hopefully no one cares, because the burgers are pretty darn alright, and honestly taste nothing like boogers. I swear.

BURGER; With Doug Fir serving up gourmet burger realness a handful of steps away, Boogies takes a bold stand and does a low-brow, fast food style burger with one, two, or three patties. Dill pickle coins, icebergs shreds and white onion are all slapped together and sealed up tight with a sloppy wash of fry sauce and, pride of the continental 48, American cheese. A stiff, potato bun serves as your handle, a perfect foil for the slathering of sauce, fat and dripping cheese. Boogies signature burgers are a great alternative to the bistro burger across the street.

FRIES; As with the burger, we've got some no frills fries to accompany our no frills burger. Nothing especially memorable about them, which also means they can't be terrible, because I would've remembered that.

SERVICE; Very friendly and super cute. The lady at the counter was so gregarious and chatty that it threw me off my game. They had a few special sauces and mustards on the counter, horseradish and bbq for example. The expereince on the whole was fast, clean and easy. The theme of this place could be "No Frills". Solid beer selection, outdoor seating, kid friendly.

WHERE; 910 E Burnside st, Portland 503-972-8780 Boogies FB Page

Glisan Burger Barn. Warning; Not An Actual Barn

OVERVIEW; I had to take a hiatus from constant burger "reviewing" (see: excuses for pigging out) so I wouldn't embarrass myself too much in my summer daisy dukes, but I had heard a lot of buzz around this little burger joint so tube dresses be damned, I set my jaw to "chew" and headed down Glisan until I found the newly renovated ex-Chinese restaurant that is now providing the neighborhood with fabulous charred beef.

BURGER; 1/3 lbs of glorious, hand formed painted hills natural beef,  heaped with shredded iceberg, slathered with mayo, and topped with tomato and onion (and on some varieties, an amazing local pickle). Cooked perfectly medium, and dripping with grease and juice and joy. A solid burger at a fair price and well worth the less-than-scenic-drive down Glisan.

FRIES; GBB takes what seem like frozen shoestrings and gracefully transforms them into succulent seasoned starch bombs. This fry seasoning is house made and speckled with fresh ground black pepper, which was a really easy way to ensure you stuff your face with them far after you hit your shutoff valve.

SERVICE; Awkwardly order at a counter after half sitting at a half dozen tables. My visit was an early afternoon lunch date, making us the Barn's first customers of the day. Our entrance lacked fanfare, no one greeted us and it almost felt like we took the counter worker by surprise. He was friendly, and attentive once we figured out how to place our orders. The atmosphere has a ways to go, it still smacks of old chinese restaurant, and the limited chachkies on the counter and walls just call attention to the lack of chachkies anywhere else. A few more random street signs and inflatable elk heads will really tie this place together.
Kid friendly, sidewalk seating, creepy back room for gambling.

WHERE; 7901 NE Glisan St. (503) 254-4285 www.glisanburgerbarn.com 

Mike's Drive In, Sellwood, No Rollerskates Needed

Drive Right On Into The Parking Lot; Despite a surreal experience at the counter where I was unsure if the counter person was talking to me or yelling at someone outside, this experience was par for the course. A small, fast food operation whos great burgers have stood the test of time. Just what the burger doctor ordered before an afternoon of antiquing in Sellwood.

BURGER; Quarter pound patties grilled well, which works in the fast food arena. Shredded iceberg, hothouse tomato, dill pickle coins and a healthy handful of grilled mushrooms made this budget burger perfect for the cost and the concept. All of these on a pillowy sesame seed bun knock the Mike's burger up a notch above the fast food competitors that we try so determinedly to keep out of the Portland city limits. This is Fast Food done right.

FRIES; Utterly forgettable. Where Mike's succeeds in burgers, it fails with fires. Bland, frozen, quintessential fast food fries. Avoid them and instead share a basket of O-rings or fried mushrooms.

SERVICE; Young and weird. As aforementioned, the girl behind the counter had to ask me for my order at least 5 times as she was so distracted by some fella in the parking lot. Halfway through my order, she ditched the counter, ran outside and had a loud conversation with said parking lot fella. I don't know what drama exists on the streets of Sellwood. I don't want to know...well..maybe a little.

WHERE; 1707 Southeast Tenino Street  Portland, OR 97202

(503) 236-4537

Dig A Pony

I DON'T GET THE NAME; I have tried and failed to enter this bar on numerous occasions. It is the quintessential young, hip place to be for the gorgeous 20 somethings of Portland. Being over 30 and fairly dorky, I cant seem to make an appearance there fly. I need to sit, I need a patio probably, and I need to not be surrounded by hot girls in gold lame hotpants. Don't get me wrong, I respect this place, and the fabulous fashions that are on display on the chests, legs and manicured feet of it's patrons. But seriously...I'm just strait up too old. So I went there on a sunny afternoon with an equally old friend to revel both in our adulthood and burgers, respectively.

BURGER; Okay, I was shocked when the burger of the house was served on an Thomas' English Muffin. Assured that it was spectacular by both the server and my companion, I ordered up. And thank goodness. This unique burger is easily going to make the best of 2012 list. The aforementioned english muffin was slathered in a housemade chipotle aioli reminiscent of a 1000 island. The burger patty was beautifully seasoned, layered with a spicy spring mix, purple onion and ripe red tomato, and enveloped in a white cheddar that was neither cloying nor scene-stealing. The components, including the muffin, worked a certain magic will assure my continued patronage, regardless of my old age.

FRIES; The house cut fries that we've come to expect. Well made, well seasoned and an easy compliment to the burger.

SERVICE; Order at the bar, no frills. And naturally the barstaff is impossibly good looking, so if you are my age and/or at my dork level, go early and avoid feeling like a elderly weirdo.

LOCATION; Dig A Pony 736 SE Grand Avenue www.digaponyportland.com

EastBurn and The Server Of My Dreams

OVERVIEW; While trying to catch an episode of Portlandia on the patio of this fine establishment, an attractive, attentive and altogether amazing sever made sure we were plugged in, volume up and front row seated. Meanwhile, I saw plate after plate of better-than-bar-food travel past our table. The combination of that angel of a server and the smell memories I had collected while embracing my city's nationally loved quirkiness on the patio's big screen tv had me posted up the very next afternoon for the most beloved of all brunches; the burger beer brunch.

BURGER; Prepare your buds, people. Theses burgers are seasoned with a fervor that treads dangerously into meatloaf territory. But Eastburn's patty walks the line between essential ground beef goodness and heavily seasoned madness so gracefully you will likely question everything you thought you knew about balls of charbroiled beef. Perched on a Grand Central cibatta roll, with infinite nooks and crannies to absorb that heavily flavored beef juice as well as the fresh juice of a hothouse tomato, paper thin white onion and garden fresh butter lettuce, we may have located a little slice of burger nirvana on SE Burnside, y'all.

FRIES; The great house cut taters that we've become so accustomed to in Portland bars. Great flavor, cooked perfectly. Not a mealy, lackluster fry in the bunch.

SERVICE; Remember that fellow I mentioned in the overview?I had the privilege of having him as my afternoon burger server. I can't speak to the other waitstaff, but this guy is the absolute model of a perfect server. Intuitive, witty and personable. I would empty my wallet every day for service so perfect. I wish him the very best in life, and if you've ever had service as perfect as the service I am describing then you know exactly what I'm talking about.

WHERE; Eastburn
1800 E Burnside
Portland, OR 97214
503-236-2876
www.theeastburn.com

Jam on Hawthorne, Now Serving Dinner!

AND THEIR HAPPY HOUR IS AWESOME; Jam, one of Portland's most beloved breakfast spots recently took over "Imbibe", it's former neighbor. Portland 'hoods all have their own breakfast spots, and I think on the whole, we stay pretty dedicated to the breakfasteries in our quadrants. Being a hardcore noreaster, I have yet to remedy a hangover at Jam on SE Hawthorne, but, when on a random drive-by I saw this newfangled dinner cafe attached to the reputable name "Jam" I finally had the time and the reason to patronize the establishment I heard so much about.

BURGER; The happy hour presented 3 or 4 burger choices including a veg/vegan option. My choice was Hawaiian themed with grilled pineapple, teriyaki and swiss cheese. The half pound of beef, thick chunks of pineapple, lettuce, tomato, red onion, and huge handfull of grated cheese measured nearly 5" high! Go look at a ruler, that's seriously tall! Estimated mastication difficulty aside, this burger was totally ridiculous. The entire burger was dominated by huge morsel of grilled, melted butter/parmesan attached to the bun. It was a strong, salty piece of pure flavor and it attacked my mouth with such intensity that I had to quit the burger about 2/3 of the way through. I would order this burger again but I will have the crunchy melted flavor bomb left off. It was just too much. I will say that I respect it's intentions, because otherwise this burger was pretty good. Great flavor in the nicely cooked beef, interesting assemblage of toppings, and though I suspect it was dressed with bottled teriyaki sauce, I thought it was fine. It didn't taste hella-cheap.

FRIES; Went for the sweet potato fries as opposed to the standard french. Light and crispy without a lot of grease and salt. And a perfect compliment to the Hawaiian burger.

SERVICE; There were more people that appeared to be working here than eating here and it still took over 20 minutes for our food to arrive. Similar waits were experienced for water and the bill. The extraneous staff hanging around was a put off. One (very nice and easygoing) server was bartending, serving, and busing, while one staff member removed decorations from the Christmas tree. Another staff member revealed himself drinking in the bar area and still another chatted up the kitchen from the hallway. Lots of staff standing around, but only one seemed concerned with patrons.

WHERE; 2229 SE Hawthorne Blvd, Portland Jam on Facebook

Retro Boozing and Modern Burger Eating at Kay's Bar and Grill on Milwaukee

OVERVIEW; Recommended by the matriarch of my favorite family of foodies, Ms Jody Hayes, I could not freaking wait to check out this Sellwood dive bar. Kay's is perched on the preciously retro corner of Milwaukee and Bybee, with a big nostalgic, neon sign and lit-from-within rounded glass brick enclaves. Upon entry, you get a full-face-blast of 1934 dive bar, nothing forced or faux about it. Faced with such a formative, distinctly old-school dive , I could not have predicted the modern burger miracle I was about to deal with.

BURGER; 1/2 lb of hand formed Cascade Natural beef, cooked just a little past med. rare, topped with that messy jewel of burger consumption, shredded iceberg lettuce, with a fat hunk of red tomato and a fistfull of caramelized onion. From bite one until we were halfway through the beast, my companion and I communicated exclusively through moans of satisfaction and ecstatic eye-rolls. The sesame brioche bun (I suspect from Grand Central Baking Co.) had a whisper of a grill to it, and it's sweet airy flavor was refreshing after all the cibatta rolls and potato buns that Portland burgers seem to fancy lately. The coup de grace was the addition of "Oregonzola", a local gorgonzola so creamy and delicate it will shake your faith in store bought blue cheese for life. I opted for the basic burger with a few additions. My companion added sauteed jalapenos and grilled portabella mushrooms to his basic burger and when asked if he enjoyed his creation, words failed him and he just feverishly nodded and gave two thumbs up.

FRIES; Shoestring fries cooked to death. The addition of gravy and cheese curds, a-la-poutine, just overwhelmed my plate. Who needs a half a pound of ground beef and a pile of gravy soaked cheese fries? The coleslaw however was a borderline revelation. It was a light and well thought-out compliment to the monster burger. I suggest choosing the coleslaw with your burger and sharing a plate of poutine. But have an appetite for gods sake, because I just recommended a crap-load of food.

SERVICE; The one bartender was a ray of sunshine. We were her first customers of the day, and she was just as attentive and sweet when we got there as when we left the quickly filling bar. Full bar, great selection of local beers (Fort George IPA! Huzzah!)

WHERE; 6903 SE Milwaukee, Portland. Kay's Facebook Page. Kays Menu