Portland Burger Week Edition! That's My Slow Jam: With Guest Blogger Jenny Keene

( EDITORS NOTE) I have enlisted one of my favorite buddies to tap me out for this burger blog- but don't get it twisted, I ate this bad boy, and it was ah-mah-zing. As always , Slow Bar burgers are a joy and I highly recommend that you drop what you're doing and go eat any one of their stellar burgers. Wait, though, don't leave just yet.  Finish reading this sweet blog first.

Brave New Burger Blogger
Well, our dear friend and burger blogger, Brianna, has been working so tirelessly and is surely taking one (or a dozen) for the team during this uber-eventful Portland Burger Week, dining and dutifully reporting on all of the delectable offerings.  But I wanted to give her blogging muscles a little break, so I volunteered to cover one of these babies for her.  Yes, when the opportunity to chow down on a brand new and all original Slowburger from the infamous Slow Bar arose, I sort of pounced on that mother faster than you can say "atsa spicy meatahball!"

So, first of all, Slow Bar is one of my favorite bars in Portland.  As Brianna has mentioned in previous blogs, it's a pretty impressive and foolproof place to show to out-of-towners. But as a straight single lady, I would like to talk with you for a second about how Slow Bar's clientele is ALWAYS 85% men, and a solid 60% of those are stylish, sexy dudes in skinny jeans.  I will admit that, for me, personally, sometimes the indisputably excellent burgers are the second best feature of Slow Bar. Single ladies, please note: the Slow Burger is basically catnip to plaid-shirted men with hip side-parts and tasteful high tops.  Go forth and get yo flaahhh-hirrrrt on, girl.

The Beef;
Okay, SO.  The burger.  The burger was clearly aiming for an Italian theme.  Slow Bar's signature 1/2 pound Painted Hills beef patty is topped with Finochianna salami, provolone, arugula, caramelized onions, and a kicky spread that bursts with fresh basil and oregano.  My first bite made me think of spaghetti!  But in a pleasing, comforting way, not in the weird way that you would expect of a spaghetti burger.

Prior to reading the description of the burger, Brianna thought the salami was actually prosciutto.  It was so thinly sliced and delicately spiced with fennel and pepper, it could have been prosciutto's more complex twin.  The provolone was satisfyingly chewy, and slightly sharper than one might expect.  The onions were thick and sweet, just the right balance for the juicy, salty patty, although perhaps just a wee bit overdone.
This, my friends, was a satisfying burger.  Slow Bar had clear Italy-centric goals for this burger concept, and it reached all of those goals with aplomb.  My only complaint was that the fat, rounded patty and slippery arugula caused one of those pitiful situations where the patty fell out from between the buns when I gripped the burger.  Jeez, round patties, get it together!

The Fries; My side of fries was pretty tasty, and went peachily with what I shall forthwith refer to as my spaghetti burger.  I was going to whine to you about how the ketchup that accompanied the fries was clearly store-bought, but then I realized how embarrassing and prissy that sounds when you say it out loud, so pretend I said something poignant about neo-marxism instead.

I recommend staying tuned to the action as it happens, as Brianna is going to eat as many of the remaining four Burger Week entries as is physically possible, and she'll be back blogging tomorrow!

WHERE; 533 SE Grand Avenue, Portland. slowbar.net

EPILOUGE; This blog posting was sponsored by James "Bobo" Fay of Animal Planet's Finding Bigfoot. And when I say sponsored, I mean he bought all of our burgers. Guest Blogger Jenny Keene is a content specialist who really kept her verbosity in check for this blog (thanks, yo!), you can see more of her fine work here.