Bridgeport Brewery and What I Can Only Assume is an Overpriced Donkey Show

OH, COME ON; Cavalia, Cirque Du Soleil's newest spectacular is attracting affluent horse enthusiasts from all over the tri-county area. It's stark white tent glowing beneath the Fremont Bridge like a chimerical used tissue attracted me as I ambled around the Pearl District. I repeatedly wondered aloud how hard it could really be to sneak in while I unconsciously zombie walked toward it. Thankfully the smell of beef char and fresh beer emanating from the queerly tucked away Bridgeport Brewery snapped me out of Cavalia's spell and probably saved me from a hard-to-explain arrest.

BURGER; Of the 5 burger options, I settled on the basic burger, figuring it would give me the best insight into the burger strength of the brewpub. The wheat bun was just a tiny but stiff, not quite stale but particularly close. The 1/2 pound of cascade natural beef was right in the dead center of the road, provoking no soft, happy moans or eye-rolls. Bread and butter pickles, fresh from a plastic jug, one mealy, insignificant slice of tomato, red onion and green leaf lettuce graced the white cheddar topped patty. The basic burger was disappointingly, well, basic.

FRIES; Frozen, generic fries, with no remarkable attributes, other than price-point perhaps. I would avoid them. We supplemented our meal with a roasted beet and hazelnut spinach salad that was prepared beautifully, and leads me to believe that maybe this is not the brewery to be ordering burgers and fries in...

SERVICE; Great servers with fun, sunny attitudes. We arrived at peak Saturday night rush time, and though we didn't receive ultimate service (I hate waiting for water refills), I thought everyone worked together fairly well and all in all our experience was pleasant. When our bill arrived, a brochure for Cavalia was inserted in the guest-check sleeve. One of the promotional quotes read "The world's best show about horse love" which is why I named this post what I named it.

WHERE; 1313 NW Marshall Street, Portland www.bridgeportbrew.com

BarBar, Best Burger West of Mississippi

OH SNAP; BarBar, the new(ish) incarnation of the Mississippi Studios restaurant half, is delivering fat balls of awesome grease and cheese into your face and the faces of your loved ones. Their fast food-esque paper wrapped burgers and fresh cut fries are seriously similar to fast food industry luminaries In-N-Out, a parallel made even more parallel-like when you see their menu, styled almost identically to In-N-Out's famously short menu. Of course there are a few surprising vittles on the BarBar menu that make it truly unique, but that's not what were here to talk about, we're here to talk about burgers. So brace your face.

BURGER; These joy bringing burgers are cooked to resemble the classic fast food burgers of days gone by. They're stacked either 1 or 2 patties high, dripping with American cheese and "special sauce", bursting with shredded lettuce, onion and a sweet/tart tomato relish, and smooshed beautifully between two perfectly butter-grilled potato buns. The burger patties are 1/3 lb, pressed thin and wide, and cooked medium well. Perfect for lazy afternoon lunches with your friends who also relax on lazy afternoons with burgers in their mouths.

FRIES; Shoestring cut potatoes carrying the trifecta of greasy, salty,and crispy that true fry aficionados are contentedly nodding about as they read this. Onion rings are another fun, classically greasy option. The portions are huge, so make sure to wash your hands because you better be sharing.

SERVICE; Generally hit or miss. On show nights, especially summer evening shows on the patio, get ready to settle in for a while. Servers can be either snarky and jaded or sweet and attentive, typical for staffs serving this particular young, tattooed, hip contingent. Full bar, great cocktails. Kid friendly patio.

WHERE; 3939 N. Mississippi, Portland www.mississippistudios.com

Hopworks Urban Brewery or Burgers, Beers and Bike Parts

PUT THE FUN BETWEEN YOUR LEGS; That's the general, bike friendly theme of this SE brewery and pub. The Hopworks brand has gained some steam these last few years, with a new "bikebar" opening on NE Williams Ave, right along one of the main corridors for bicycle traffic. With an impressive menu of solid beers, a deep dedication to organic everything, and a burger that's nigh perfection, I can see the HUB brand growing exponentially, and I gotta tell ya, it feels darn awesome to see a local business make good in such a righteous way.

BURGER; Oh yea. A thick, half pound of Painted Hills Natural Beef, cooked to order, served on a cheddar topped kaiser roll. Gorgeous green leaf romaine lettuce, thick, ripe tomato and a measured sliver of paper thin red onion. This burger was juicy, flavorful, and completely satisfying. There was an added element of complexity with the cheddar bun, and it was the only thing that I would change about this burger. The texture of the roll was perfect, and the flavor was sweet, reminiscent of a brioche, so naturally the addition of cheddar to this flavor melody caused the tune to fall a bit flat. Otherwise, I would order this burger again and again.

FRIES; Gorgeous, possibly some of the best in the city. Thick cut and crispy, seasoned deliberately. I can also speak highly of the salad. Like most of their menu items, HUB's salad is organic it's salad dressings are made in-house. You can't lose with either choice.

SERVICE; Admittedly, our service suffered due to a Ducks game, but how mad could we be? In essence, Hopworks is a neighborhood bar, and thus, local game nights are going to dominate the place. We got a free beer after our server became so wrapped up in game time he forgot he was at work. I assume he went to Oregon State, and for all it's worth, I don't care if he shelves his service job for 10 minutes to cheer on his alma mater. Beer bar (no hard stuff), happy hour Monday through Friday. Kid friendly dining room and loft space upstairs with pinball. Patios in the front and rear of the building. Beers to go available (and highly recommended!)

WHERE; Flagship Brewpub 2944 SE Powell Blvd Portland. BikeBar 3947 N. Williams Ave. Portland www.hopworksbeer.com

Skyline Burgers, You Know, For the Kids

O RLY?; At Skyline's newest outpost on NE Broadway, a 12 foot wall of projected cartoon network welcomed me upon entry, and though it tickled me, it also arose in me a very specific worry; is this a place for kids? The answer is a resounding yes, and the parental units may be disappointed. I deeply hope this place will mature faster than the audience it shares with the cartoon network.

BURGER; Underdeveloped and banal, but with a certain promise. The bun was huge and mealy, completely overwhelming the rest of the ingredients. The beef was overcooked, but not burnt. I ordered the hawaiian burger and was disappointed with a few details (small chunks of pineapple as opposed to a thick, freshly cut ring, heavy onion and sparse, bottled teriyaki sauce). My companion was also bummed out on the mushroom swiss burger's ridiculous amount of mayonnaise. But somehow I get the feeling that with time, this borderline theme restaurant will come into it's own, finding the balance between kiddie burgers and artistic, well thought out burgers for the grown folks. And with a name like Skyline Burgers, they got some proving to do.

FRIES; Again, geared towards a younger set of taste buds. Frozen and fried up crispy, they weren't the most amazing fries, and I probably wouldn't order them again. The salad was friggin hilarious. It was huge, and it came with a sandwich slice of cheddar cheese on top. Otherwise it was a bowl of iceberg salad mix with slices of tomato and cucumber.

SERVICE; I nicknamed our sever "mumble-core" about halfway through our meal. His awkward approach and whispery voice was that of a man who has little to no interest in service. He's probably saving up to tour with his band or surf Malaysia or something. It created an experience that was borderline surreal. Full bar with an adults-only gambling area in the rear that makes the kid-friendly vibe lean into the weird zone.

WHERE; 2200 NE Broadway St Portland,

Portland Burger Blog; Newport Edition. Cafe Mundo

LOCALS ONLY; From the excess of multicolored Christmas lights on the enormous stone patio to the kinetic dias de los muertos paper-mache art, this place reeked of beach hippy. I wouldn't hold that against this joint, because it wears it's flower child attitude very well. Heavily saturated with the acoustic guitar playing, bald-with-a-ponytail, loveable, non-profit boomer dudes, I recommend against this place if you're a card carrying republican or you're into taking yourself real seriously.

BURGER; Having eaten my body weight in seafood, I was ready for something different. Cafe Mundo's specials included a "rueben burger". As a big fan of the classic rueben, I figured this menu item would be amazing! The house baked rye bun was disappointingly bland with a texture similar to cheap white bread. The 1/3 lb McK Ranch organic beef patty was overcooked, which is damn disrespectful to McK Ranch organic beef. The burger missed the mark, but if there is seitan on the menu in more than one dish, the chef probably doesn't want to cook you a burger anyway. The hubby's fish tacos were dang awesome though. And every longhair in the place looked especially stoked on their world-cuisine.

FRIES; Yea right. The salad was gorgeous. Fresh local field greens, a ripe tomato that must have come from someone's home garden, and the house made poppy seed dressing were all a nice pat on the back after my burger letdown.

SERVICE; Great laid back servers, who are professional and charming, serve a limited amount of pricy craft beers mostly produced locally. The cocktail menu was also a bit steep considering the laid back atmosphere. Apparently hippys only drink top shelf liquor.

WHERE; 711 NW 2nd Court, Newport, OR www.cafemundo.us

Portland Burger Blog; Newport Edition. South Beach Fish Market

VACATION; The husby and I spent our holiday in the coastal town of Newport, about 150 miles from Portland. We go for the amazing seafood, because most vacations we plan are flavor based. At my absolute favorite sea-shanty fish market restaurant in the world, I was faced with a revelation in the form of a "crab burger". South Beach Fish Market is legendary for their smoked oysters, fresh dungeness crab and their firecraker horseradish cocktail sauce. They are not however, famous for their artfully assembled sandwiches. After spotting the burger on the menu, I vowed to come back the next day, you know, for the blog.

BURGER; A big crabcake on a bun with swiss cheese and ranch dressing (which I wisely opted out of). The crabcake had been frozen, so the sweet dungeness flavor suffered. Limp lettuce, and heavy onion also worked against the delicate deliciousness of the crab. I enjoyed the burger more after I wised up and smeared it with the aforementioned firecracker sauce. I won't get this burger again, but I will eat a half dozen raw oysters, and a crab cocktail, and smoked oysters and a captains platter, and salmon candy , and, well, you get the idea.

FRIES; These frozen crinkle cut throwback fries are undercooked with zero seasoning. Rice is an alternative, but I didn't find that out until our last visit and I was strictly oyster shooting at that point.

SERVICE; Variably jaded 20 something and chipper teenager. Counter service that's fast and, for the most part, friendly. Very limited seating but pretty rapid dining room turnover. Oh, and it's attached to a convenience store so you can accompany your oysters with a Monster Energy Drink or a 4Loko.

WHERE; 3640 S Coast HWY, South Beach, Oregon SouthBeachFishMarket.com

5 Guys Burgers and Fries

OVERVIEW; These sloppy, fully loaded burgers are legendary in Washington DC and relativity newly (2003) franchised. This burger is reminiscent of the fabled "In n Out Burger", local to L.A. (my home land, BTW). These fast food alterna-burgers are quick, delicious and heads and tails above any drive through you may find yourself in on your lunch hour. With a secret "verbal-legend" menu sporting around 250,000 variations, this place is a piece of Americana in both meaty-ness and franchise opportunity.

BURGER; Thin patties cooked well done, stacked generously with all your favorite toppings, plus an entire sub-menu of additional toppings, ensure that you get your ultimate burger. The sparkling clean, wide open kitchen lets you into the preparation of your order from the moment the cashier hollers "two patties!!" over her right shoulder.

FRIES; Always local, with a counter-top sign that displays the specific farm that day's batch was sourced from. Cajun is an unimpressive option. And even the small order of fries satiates the fry lust of two adults, and since if you're probably eating the double burger anyway, try to avoid large fry excess.

SERVICE; This is essentially a fast food restaurant. Though it harkens to the idealized version of a middle America burger joint, patronized by, like, Richie Cunningham or something, it is still a fast food restaurant. There are pallets with boxes upon boxes of peanuts everywhere for pre-pig-out snacking, so, unless you're deathly allergic, that's a plus. An appropriate and affordable alternative to Burgerville, when you're feeling both cheap and snobby.

WHERE; Heavy saturation in the suburbs, with an 82nd st location in Portland proper. www.fiveguys.com