Boogies Burgers; Great Burgers, Horrible Name

Burger and Booger are already practically homonyms: So why, one might ask, would a burger shack want to call attention to that tonal similarity? Well, hopefully no one cares, because the burgers are pretty darn alright, and honestly taste nothing like boogers. I swear.

BURGER; With Doug Fir serving up gourmet burger realness a handful of steps away, Boogies takes a bold stand and does a low-brow, fast food style burger with one, two, or three patties. Dill pickle coins, icebergs shreds and white onion are all slapped together and sealed up tight with a sloppy wash of fry sauce and, pride of the continental 48, American cheese. A stiff, potato bun serves as your handle, a perfect foil for the slathering of sauce, fat and dripping cheese. Boogies signature burgers are a great alternative to the bistro burger across the street.

FRIES; As with the burger, we've got some no frills fries to accompany our no frills burger. Nothing especially memorable about them, which also means they can't be terrible, because I would've remembered that.

SERVICE; Very friendly and super cute. The lady at the counter was so gregarious and chatty that it threw me off my game. They had a few special sauces and mustards on the counter, horseradish and bbq for example. The expereince on the whole was fast, clean and easy. The theme of this place could be "No Frills". Solid beer selection, outdoor seating, kid friendly.

WHERE; 910 E Burnside st, Portland 503-972-8780 Boogies FB Page

Gotham Tavern (Insert Batman Joke Here)

I HAVE NO BAT JOKES; You're welcome. The clean, stark architecture of the Gotham Tavern is impressive, and with it's unique play on open space and woven walls, it's becomes somewhat reminiscent of the slate, marble and brick shadowed streets of NYC. It's grandiose floor to celing windows look out over the industrial district of North Portland, and with tri met dropping off passengers a few steps from the entrance, there's certainly a unique cityscape to ruminative over while you sip a pre burger lager. It's tucked away neighborhood is a tricky one to navigate, but once discovered, holds all the quirk natives and visitors hold dear.

BURGER: One of Portland's best low-key bar burgers. Hands down. Cooked to order and exploding around the circumference with juicy freshness. Toppers served off to the side included crisp romaine leaves, thick, ripe tomato slices, a long, wide sandwich style pickle, and a ring of thinly sliced red onion. The cheddar topped kaiser roll was overkill for sure, but totally admissible. The beef was succulent, moist and fragrant, with two slices of gently melted cheddar (or your cheese of choice) for good measure.

FRIES: Great, crispy, evenly seasoned fries in your choice of idaho spud or sweet potato.  Not a lot to fuss over, perhaps not as memorable as Killer Burger or Glisan Burger Barn, but with only one burger option on the menu, I can forgive them for focusing the attention squarely on the burger, and letting the fries just be fries.

SERVICE: An easygoing staff stays out of your way until you need a beverage refill and then, BAM, they appear with helping hands. Thumbs up to Team Gotham.

WHERE: 2240 N Interstate Avenue 503-517-9911 gothamtavern.com

NEPO 42; Late Night Burgers and Innapropriate Servers

LET'S GET WEIRD; Looking for a quiet bar with a nice patio, and ending up at NEPO 42 provided me with one my summer's best cautionary drunk barback/server stories. My friend and I spent most of our night ping ponging between provoking and mercilessly shitting on a hammered  and/or extremely socially challenged barback/server/possible cook. He tried sneakily to mouth kiss my companion, give me a shoulder rub, and compliment our ample bosoms before we realized he was an actual employee. That story gets a lot weirder before we get to ingest any beef, but this blog is not about my crazy adventures in snark. That's my other blog; success-zine.blogspot.com. This blog is about burgers! Next paragraph!

BURGER; Overcooked 1/3 lb beef patty, limp and slightly discolored greenleaf and a sesame brioche burnt black around the edges. Frankly though, it was not a horrible burger when compared to any other burgers I could have been eating at 12:30am. It was serviceable when paired with a double vodka soda, however, I can not in good conscience  recommend this burger for anything other than late night soaking up of a few hours worth of boozing. That's rough because I generally prefer not to review burgers that are less than stellar, I mean, really, what's the point? But, look, once I take the picture the review is pretty much written.

FRIES: These fries were the redeeming factor of this plate of mostly burnt-to-heck business. House cut, twice fried, well salted and not overly greasy or disappointingly limp. I give the fries a solid recommendation.

SERVICE: Weird. Aside from seeing the sloshy barback tounge-blast a patron, then lean into my ear and wetly whisper, "I don't even know her name", I suppose the main bartender on duty was genial enough. Considering the shenanigans the barback was getting into, I'm surprised we didn't see her head pop off in a fit of weird rage. Mine would.

WHERE: 5403 NE 42nd Avenue @ Killingsworth. 503-288-8080 nepo42.com

Glisan Burger Barn. Warning; Not An Actual Barn

OVERVIEW; I had to take a hiatus from constant burger "reviewing" (see: excuses for pigging out) so I wouldn't embarrass myself too much in my summer daisy dukes, but I had heard a lot of buzz around this little burger joint so tube dresses be damned, I set my jaw to "chew" and headed down Glisan until I found the newly renovated ex-Chinese restaurant that is now providing the neighborhood with fabulous charred beef.

BURGER; 1/3 lbs of glorious, hand formed painted hills natural beef,  heaped with shredded iceberg, slathered with mayo, and topped with tomato and onion (and on some varieties, an amazing local pickle). Cooked perfectly medium, and dripping with grease and juice and joy. A solid burger at a fair price and well worth the less-than-scenic-drive down Glisan.

FRIES; GBB takes what seem like frozen shoestrings and gracefully transforms them into succulent seasoned starch bombs. This fry seasoning is house made and speckled with fresh ground black pepper, which was a really easy way to ensure you stuff your face with them far after you hit your shutoff valve.

SERVICE; Awkwardly order at a counter after half sitting at a half dozen tables. My visit was an early afternoon lunch date, making us the Barn's first customers of the day. Our entrance lacked fanfare, no one greeted us and it almost felt like we took the counter worker by surprise. He was friendly, and attentive once we figured out how to place our orders. The atmosphere has a ways to go, it still smacks of old chinese restaurant, and the limited chachkies on the counter and walls just call attention to the lack of chachkies anywhere else. A few more random street signs and inflatable elk heads will really tie this place together.
Kid friendly, sidewalk seating, creepy back room for gambling.

WHERE; 7901 NE Glisan St. (503) 254-4285 www.glisanburgerbarn.com 

Joes Burgers Comes To Downtown PDX

FINALLY, A BURGER OFF THE MAX LINE; I was in attendance at The Society Club for a fashion event featuring Cotton Candy Punk Couture's newest line of spring cocktail dresses, and looking at the rail thin model bodies gave me a hankering for a burger like you would not believe! Thank bloody beef that Joe's had recently opened the doors to it's new downtown outpost. The perfume of grilling cow flesh, while graphic, was not unlike a magic carpet carrying me towards sweet burger goodness.

BURGER; 1/3 lb of Cascade Natural grass fed organic beef. Sweet/savory special sauce, iceberg, tomato, paper thin white onion and a lightly grilled bun all wrapped up in a precious brown paper wrapper.  A great burger on the go, not too fancy, not too plain, made with care and served with love. Downtown PDX lunchers and fashion show escapees alike thank you Joe.

FRIES; Went for the sweet potato ( their lower glycemic index makes them far healthier than starchy idaho spuds) and was pretty stoked about them. Great, lightly salted, crispy, not too oily, and borderline healthy!

SERVICE; Aside from some seriously overused aprons covered in kitchen goo, the girls club that was running this place was really sweet and fun. They were all gregarious and funny and super cute! I suppose when you're serving awesome burgers all day, you can be pretty happy about it.

WHERE; 625 SW 4th Ave. Portland, OR. www.joesburgerspdx.com

Mike's Drive In, Sellwood, No Rollerskates Needed

Drive Right On Into The Parking Lot; Despite a surreal experience at the counter where I was unsure if the counter person was talking to me or yelling at someone outside, this experience was par for the course. A small, fast food operation whos great burgers have stood the test of time. Just what the burger doctor ordered before an afternoon of antiquing in Sellwood.

BURGER; Quarter pound patties grilled well, which works in the fast food arena. Shredded iceberg, hothouse tomato, dill pickle coins and a healthy handful of grilled mushrooms made this budget burger perfect for the cost and the concept. All of these on a pillowy sesame seed bun knock the Mike's burger up a notch above the fast food competitors that we try so determinedly to keep out of the Portland city limits. This is Fast Food done right.

FRIES; Utterly forgettable. Where Mike's succeeds in burgers, it fails with fires. Bland, frozen, quintessential fast food fries. Avoid them and instead share a basket of O-rings or fried mushrooms.

SERVICE; Young and weird. As aforementioned, the girl behind the counter had to ask me for my order at least 5 times as she was so distracted by some fella in the parking lot. Halfway through my order, she ditched the counter, ran outside and had a loud conversation with said parking lot fella. I don't know what drama exists on the streets of Sellwood. I don't want to know...well..maybe a little.

WHERE; 1707 Southeast Tenino Street  Portland, OR 97202

(503) 236-4537

Dig A Pony

I DON'T GET THE NAME; I have tried and failed to enter this bar on numerous occasions. It is the quintessential young, hip place to be for the gorgeous 20 somethings of Portland. Being over 30 and fairly dorky, I cant seem to make an appearance there fly. I need to sit, I need a patio probably, and I need to not be surrounded by hot girls in gold lame hotpants. Don't get me wrong, I respect this place, and the fabulous fashions that are on display on the chests, legs and manicured feet of it's patrons. But seriously...I'm just strait up too old. So I went there on a sunny afternoon with an equally old friend to revel both in our adulthood and burgers, respectively.

BURGER; Okay, I was shocked when the burger of the house was served on an Thomas' English Muffin. Assured that it was spectacular by both the server and my companion, I ordered up. And thank goodness. This unique burger is easily going to make the best of 2012 list. The aforementioned english muffin was slathered in a housemade chipotle aioli reminiscent of a 1000 island. The burger patty was beautifully seasoned, layered with a spicy spring mix, purple onion and ripe red tomato, and enveloped in a white cheddar that was neither cloying nor scene-stealing. The components, including the muffin, worked a certain magic will assure my continued patronage, regardless of my old age.

FRIES; The house cut fries that we've come to expect. Well made, well seasoned and an easy compliment to the burger.

SERVICE; Order at the bar, no frills. And naturally the barstaff is impossibly good looking, so if you are my age and/or at my dork level, go early and avoid feeling like a elderly weirdo.

LOCATION; Dig A Pony 736 SE Grand Avenue www.digaponyportland.com