Summer Slow Burger; Probably No Longer Available, But Make a Note for Next Year

RAD SUMMER OF THE MIRACLE BURGER; I vote yes on Slow Bar's Slowburger. It continues to be in my top 10 places to send folks for a solid Portland burger. The meat is always supple and perfectly seasoned, the seasonal additions are always thoughtful and balanced, and the atmosphere is pure Portland; gorgeous servers, sexy, private booths, and a badass bar. I was late to the party, not receiving my summer slowburger till the last week of August, but damn, it was worth the wait.

BURGER; The classic, sky high, hand formed patty, swollen with it's own perfectly seasoned juices, accompanied by sharp white cheddar, an heirloom tomato, slim, sandwich sliced dill pickles and crisp leaves of iceberg lettuce is the complete embodiment of a foodie's summer bbq. Next summer can't come soon enough. Though, I'll be singing a different song when the Fall Slowburger takes it rightful place on the Slow Bar menu.

FRIES: Slow Bar has solid fries, but I will always opt for the salad with it's gorgeous vinaigrette and house spiced nuts. Besides, look at the size of that beast, who needs fries with that?

SERVICE; Pretty, witty and on top of their game. Slow Bar has a great cocktail menu, a solid bar menu and an atmosphere that is at once intimate and social. High marks all around, Slow Bar. Good Job.

WHERE; 533 SE Grand AV,  Portland. www.slowbar.net

WOW Burger Does Indeed WOW Me

I SERIOUSLY SAID WOW WHEN I WALKED IN; The new WOW Burger outpost at Cascade Station, near PDX airport is jammed inconspicuously between a Leatherman store and a Starbucks in a shopping center that boasts an IKEA and a Best Buy. It's a weird scene, this outdoor mall on the outskirts of town, and one cant help but think that every eatery there exists only to service the employees of the myriad shops, boutiques, and department stores at Cascade Station, and possibly, the odd airport employee on their way to or from work (I'm looking at you, shitty IHOP). I even saw a coyote walk across the parking lot one morning, no joke. Anyway, let's talk about why this  burger is worth a trip to what really amounts to the IKEA parking lot.

BURGER; This is a very basic 1/3 lb patty, cooked medium well and served with an upscale fast food aesthetic (tantamount to a faux dive bar). The wow factor manifests itself as a freaky amount of optional toppings, buns, cheeses and sides. For a person with a modicum of self control, this should pose no problem, but if you're American, like me, you go for the whole kit and kaboodle and end up with a burger taller than your face. Therein lies the one and only problem with WOW burger; excess. True, deep fried, cheese covered, butter grilled excess. Overall, the experience was delicious, a salty/sweet spread, fresh iceberg leaves, and a great assortment of fresh toppings. Aside from an overly buttered bun and a  "nothing is too much" philosophy when building your WOW burger, you can count on a great burger from this unassumingly modern little shop. Healthy options like veggie, turkey and chicken were available, and toppings covered the spectrum of the acceptable, only going a bit over the top (notice the three types of onion on the burger pictured above: raw, grilled and deep fried.  Delicious as it was, that just shouldn't be allowed to happen. I stank like o-rings for a week)

FRIES; I tried the basil parmesan fries and was dissatisfied with the dried basil flakes and canned. grated parmesan that barely crusted the otherwise boring, frozen fries. The onion strings, however, were a toothsome, well seasoned joy. Served in a shareable portion that could easily satiate 2-3 burger lovers, with housemade fry sauce that is finger-licking good.

SERVICE; WOW Burger is new on the scene, and without a steady stream of customers, the WOW team is left twiddling their thumbs, so to speak. The friendly staff was a little too attentive considering the  "fast food aesthetic" they're conveying. When more than one server approaches me when I am struggling through a mouthful of food, irritation will ensue. I'm sure once the place picks up and the many hands are busy juggling orders, they can back up off the hovering, unnecessary table service

WHERE; WOW Burger Cascade Station; 10107 NE Cascades Parkway
Portland, OR. 503-841-5948 www.originalwowburger.com

Boogies Burgers; Great Burgers, Horrible Name

Burger and Booger are already practically homonyms: So why, one might ask, would a burger shack want to call attention to that tonal similarity? Well, hopefully no one cares, because the burgers are pretty darn alright, and honestly taste nothing like boogers. I swear.

BURGER; With Doug Fir serving up gourmet burger realness a handful of steps away, Boogies takes a bold stand and does a low-brow, fast food style burger with one, two, or three patties. Dill pickle coins, icebergs shreds and white onion are all slapped together and sealed up tight with a sloppy wash of fry sauce and, pride of the continental 48, American cheese. A stiff, potato bun serves as your handle, a perfect foil for the slathering of sauce, fat and dripping cheese. Boogies signature burgers are a great alternative to the bistro burger across the street.

FRIES; As with the burger, we've got some no frills fries to accompany our no frills burger. Nothing especially memorable about them, which also means they can't be terrible, because I would've remembered that.

SERVICE; Very friendly and super cute. The lady at the counter was so gregarious and chatty that it threw me off my game. They had a few special sauces and mustards on the counter, horseradish and bbq for example. The expereince on the whole was fast, clean and easy. The theme of this place could be "No Frills". Solid beer selection, outdoor seating, kid friendly.

WHERE; 910 E Burnside st, Portland 503-972-8780 Boogies FB Page

Gotham Tavern (Insert Batman Joke Here)

I HAVE NO BAT JOKES; You're welcome. The clean, stark architecture of the Gotham Tavern is impressive, and with it's unique play on open space and woven walls, it's becomes somewhat reminiscent of the slate, marble and brick shadowed streets of NYC. It's grandiose floor to celing windows look out over the industrial district of North Portland, and with tri met dropping off passengers a few steps from the entrance, there's certainly a unique cityscape to ruminative over while you sip a pre burger lager. It's tucked away neighborhood is a tricky one to navigate, but once discovered, holds all the quirk natives and visitors hold dear.

BURGER: One of Portland's best low-key bar burgers. Hands down. Cooked to order and exploding around the circumference with juicy freshness. Toppers served off to the side included crisp romaine leaves, thick, ripe tomato slices, a long, wide sandwich style pickle, and a ring of thinly sliced red onion. The cheddar topped kaiser roll was overkill for sure, but totally admissible. The beef was succulent, moist and fragrant, with two slices of gently melted cheddar (or your cheese of choice) for good measure.

FRIES: Great, crispy, evenly seasoned fries in your choice of idaho spud or sweet potato.  Not a lot to fuss over, perhaps not as memorable as Killer Burger or Glisan Burger Barn, but with only one burger option on the menu, I can forgive them for focusing the attention squarely on the burger, and letting the fries just be fries.

SERVICE: An easygoing staff stays out of your way until you need a beverage refill and then, BAM, they appear with helping hands. Thumbs up to Team Gotham.

WHERE: 2240 N Interstate Avenue 503-517-9911 gothamtavern.com

NEPO 42; Late Night Burgers and Innapropriate Servers

LET'S GET WEIRD; Looking for a quiet bar with a nice patio, and ending up at NEPO 42 provided me with one my summer's best cautionary drunk barback/server stories. My friend and I spent most of our night ping ponging between provoking and mercilessly shitting on a hammered  and/or extremely socially challenged barback/server/possible cook. He tried sneakily to mouth kiss my companion, give me a shoulder rub, and compliment our ample bosoms before we realized he was an actual employee. That story gets a lot weirder before we get to ingest any beef, but this blog is not about my crazy adventures in snark. That's my other blog; success-zine.blogspot.com. This blog is about burgers! Next paragraph!

BURGER; Overcooked 1/3 lb beef patty, limp and slightly discolored greenleaf and a sesame brioche burnt black around the edges. Frankly though, it was not a horrible burger when compared to any other burgers I could have been eating at 12:30am. It was serviceable when paired with a double vodka soda, however, I can not in good conscience  recommend this burger for anything other than late night soaking up of a few hours worth of boozing. That's rough because I generally prefer not to review burgers that are less than stellar, I mean, really, what's the point? But, look, once I take the picture the review is pretty much written.

FRIES: These fries were the redeeming factor of this plate of mostly burnt-to-heck business. House cut, twice fried, well salted and not overly greasy or disappointingly limp. I give the fries a solid recommendation.

SERVICE: Weird. Aside from seeing the sloshy barback tounge-blast a patron, then lean into my ear and wetly whisper, "I don't even know her name", I suppose the main bartender on duty was genial enough. Considering the shenanigans the barback was getting into, I'm surprised we didn't see her head pop off in a fit of weird rage. Mine would.

WHERE: 5403 NE 42nd Avenue @ Killingsworth. 503-288-8080 nepo42.com

Glisan Burger Barn. Warning; Not An Actual Barn

OVERVIEW; I had to take a hiatus from constant burger "reviewing" (see: excuses for pigging out) so I wouldn't embarrass myself too much in my summer daisy dukes, but I had heard a lot of buzz around this little burger joint so tube dresses be damned, I set my jaw to "chew" and headed down Glisan until I found the newly renovated ex-Chinese restaurant that is now providing the neighborhood with fabulous charred beef.

BURGER; 1/3 lbs of glorious, hand formed painted hills natural beef,  heaped with shredded iceberg, slathered with mayo, and topped with tomato and onion (and on some varieties, an amazing local pickle). Cooked perfectly medium, and dripping with grease and juice and joy. A solid burger at a fair price and well worth the less-than-scenic-drive down Glisan.

FRIES; GBB takes what seem like frozen shoestrings and gracefully transforms them into succulent seasoned starch bombs. This fry seasoning is house made and speckled with fresh ground black pepper, which was a really easy way to ensure you stuff your face with them far after you hit your shutoff valve.

SERVICE; Awkwardly order at a counter after half sitting at a half dozen tables. My visit was an early afternoon lunch date, making us the Barn's first customers of the day. Our entrance lacked fanfare, no one greeted us and it almost felt like we took the counter worker by surprise. He was friendly, and attentive once we figured out how to place our orders. The atmosphere has a ways to go, it still smacks of old chinese restaurant, and the limited chachkies on the counter and walls just call attention to the lack of chachkies anywhere else. A few more random street signs and inflatable elk heads will really tie this place together.
Kid friendly, sidewalk seating, creepy back room for gambling.

WHERE; 7901 NE Glisan St. (503) 254-4285 www.glisanburgerbarn.com 

Joes Burgers Comes To Downtown PDX

FINALLY, A BURGER OFF THE MAX LINE; I was in attendance at The Society Club for a fashion event featuring Cotton Candy Punk Couture's newest line of spring cocktail dresses, and looking at the rail thin model bodies gave me a hankering for a burger like you would not believe! Thank bloody beef that Joe's had recently opened the doors to it's new downtown outpost. The perfume of grilling cow flesh, while graphic, was not unlike a magic carpet carrying me towards sweet burger goodness.

BURGER; 1/3 lb of Cascade Natural grass fed organic beef. Sweet/savory special sauce, iceberg, tomato, paper thin white onion and a lightly grilled bun all wrapped up in a precious brown paper wrapper.  A great burger on the go, not too fancy, not too plain, made with care and served with love. Downtown PDX lunchers and fashion show escapees alike thank you Joe.

FRIES; Went for the sweet potato ( their lower glycemic index makes them far healthier than starchy idaho spuds) and was pretty stoked about them. Great, lightly salted, crispy, not too oily, and borderline healthy!

SERVICE; Aside from some seriously overused aprons covered in kitchen goo, the girls club that was running this place was really sweet and fun. They were all gregarious and funny and super cute! I suppose when you're serving awesome burgers all day, you can be pretty happy about it.

WHERE; 625 SW 4th Ave. Portland, OR. www.joesburgerspdx.com