Lunch in the Very Real Bar of an Imaginary Hotel

Snow, Insanity and Lloyd Not Included
The Central Hotel was not very long ago a dive bar called St John's Pub or something. I went to a dancehall party in their back room a couple of times and it was the most black people I've ever seen converged outside of church since I moved to Portland. This historic building, the center of St Johns' charmingly antique downtown area has seen a few inhabitants over the past decade. As it stands, it is very much the dive bar of it's recent past, with a fresh coat of paint and new stemware, however the owners are working towards rebuilding the historic building back into it's former glory as The Central Hotel. The plans are grandiose to be sure, and it will be no small feat to build a multi level, ultra modern hotel in the middle of itty bitty St Johns. Well, as long as the cafe serves burgers I'm all good with it.

BURGER: A half pound of grass fed northwest natural beef on a lightly toasted grand central sesame brioche bun. With a few healthy leaves of butter lettuce, slices of tomato, red onion and  a slathering of mayonnaise (aioli? are we still calling it that?) The burger was beautiful, carefully constructed and  lit by a soft St Johns sunset filtered through an IPA. It's arrival was a bit of a swoon moment hampered only by the gut feeling that it was arriving much to soon to be medium rare. And then I bit into it, and my fear was confirmed. Just south of rare, just north of edible. Look,  I like a bit of the gore, but that shit needs to be cooked too. Halfway through the burger I had given up on the idea that at some point my tongue would hit paydirt of medium rare meat. HOWEVER, the potential for this burger was astounding. Just 3 more minutes on the grill would have guaranteed full marks. The meat was nicely seasoned and of high quality, and all the accouterments were on point. Crazy what can go down in 3 minutes, amirite?

FRIES; Run of the mill shoestrings with  a dash of kosher salt. No big whoop. I appreciate the tiny paper cup of ketchup because I know someone thought "Hey, you know what would class-up this plate? A paper cup half full of ketchup!"

SERVICE; I kid you not, as we were leaving the bartender/host/apparent owner called out to us, "If you have any investor friends looking for new projects tell them about us!" That would have been charming had she not said it to every patron that had left before us. After five or six good natured laughs it just seemed kinda sad. Kid friendly during daytime hours.

WHERE: 8608 N Lombard St. Portland. www.centralhotelstjohns.com

Grain & Gristle and A Weird Beer

Wherein the Author Creepily Watches A Stranger Drink A Beer; On a perfectly gray and drizzly Portland afternoon, my friend and I decided to meet up on our lunch breaks for some shenanigans  After having heard an interesting story about a beer made with cow lungs (or something equally disgusting) being served at Grain & Gristle, I knew I had to get in there and watch someone else drink it. Luckily, they also serve other parts of the cow in burger form. And it's quite respectable. Spoiler alert; Neither I nor my companion sipped the aforementioned beer, but I think someone across the bar did.

BURGER; Though seasoned with a heavy hand, this burger was balanced by it's fresh accouterments  I am a huge fan the sweet, fluffy Grand Central brioche buns, I think they are a perfect foil for a well seasoned burger. The fragrant, perfectly cooked patty was adorned with a healthy handful of fresh, crisp green leaf and a few playfully tart sweet pickle coins. That's it y'all, and truthfully, it lacked nothing. In it's simple construction was something reverential. This was not some over-thought "masterpiece", this was a simple burger made with the freshest local ingredients in a manner that allowed each to be truly enjoyed.

FRIES; Alright for serious, I can't be dogging out big plates of burgers AND fries every time I write this blog. I'm trying to live past 35, for shit's sake. So on that note, let me tell you all about this precious little mixed green salad that accompanied my burg; it was a green salad with a vinaigrette  It was tasty. I felt good about myself after I ate it.

SERVICE; Admittedly, this was early during lunch service, so there were really only us and 2 other people there (including the cow-lung-beer drinker), nevertheless, our bartender/server was affable and informative without being imposing or hovering.

WHERE; 1473 NE Prescott, Portland 503.298.5007 www.grainandgristle.com

Portland Burger Blog Goes To Burgerville; Millions Rejoice

I DESPISE FAST FOOD BUT THIS IS OBLIGATORY: We Oregonians love our Burgervilles. They succeed where other fast food franchises nationwide fail. They cook real food. All the meats and produce are locally sourced and it shows. Alongside the popular 5 Guys Burgers and Fries franchise, Burgerville is the best fast food burger Oregon can feed you.

BURGER: Don't get it twisted, it's still fast food. Don't expect any heritage beef patties or sweet brioche buns up in here. However, the supplier list reads like the grocery list of a well-to-do west hills co-op shopper. And despite the fact that this is essentially a fast food franchise, this burger is of damn high quality. Just look at how fresh that green leaf lettuce is, and that tomato is red, not the pathetic pinkish mush round that fast food burgers rarely even include on their burgers.

FRIES: Thicker and more substantial than typical fast food fries, but fast food fries nonetheless. They serve their purpose well.

SERVICE: Adorably teenage in most cases. It's fast food for craps sake. I'm only writing this review to show other burger snobs that Burgerville is legit.

WHERE: Multiple locations throughout Oregon and Washington. www.burgerville.com

The Cat Who Made Me Hate Burgers For One Night

I NEVER WANTED TO PUNCH A CAT SO HARD IN MY LIFE:  After a lovely night of wandering around hungry, my companion and I thought we might be able to recreate  the brunch magic we'd experienced earlier at The Country Cat. Let me tell you why I will never ever ever ever eat there for dinner again. NEVER EVER EVER. And also I hate cats from the country now.

BURGER: A huge, thick, ridiculously seasoned ball of over cooked, chewy meat. A salt bomb of massive proportions. All beef flavor was lost in a hideous cloud of garlic salt and msg. I asked for a medium rare burger and received a hard beef softball. I regret even talking about burgers in this tone...let's move on.

FRIES: I opted for the onion rings which were a greasy farce, a breaded deception. My fingers were pruning with the residual grease. Unhappiness, your name is Country Cat Burger and Onion Rings.

SERVICE: Better than you. Regardless of who you are. They're better, Deal with it. On a side note. I was here on a busy Friday night, and having experienced a mostly radical brunch here, I was let down. But that's just my experience. By all means, go enjoy their phenomenal bloody marys and breakfast potatoes. JUST NEVER GET THE BURGER.

WHERE:7937 Southeast Stark Street, Portland, OR

(503) 408-1414 ‎ · thecountrycat.net

The Day I Found The Other Killer Burger

I KNEW YOU EXISTED SOMEWHERE: Apparently you were hiding in the wilds of Sellwood, amidst the fir trees and antique shops and montessori schools. You vixen you. What a chase.What a payoff. (Click here to read my original review of Killer Burger's flagship cafe on NE Sandy wherein I do more than wax poetic)

BURGER: You know the story, these burgers are great. It's a gift to Sellwood and a perfect way to wrap up your day of vintage coverlet coveting or latex gloved rummaging at the Bins.

FRIES: My favorite fries in the city of Portland are produced at Killer Burger. Yeah, they're frozen, but there is some secret sorcery in the young nimble hands of the Killer Burger team members that impart some salty magic into these ketchup delivery wands.

SERVICE: It is joy to be served in Killer Burger. It seems that everyone loves their work and loves their customers. I love getting sunshine blown up my asshole while I shove a burger in my face hole.

WHERE: 8728 Southeast 17th Avenue
Portland, OR 97202
(503) 841-5906
killerburgerpdx.com‎

The Weirdest Burger This Blog Ever Ate

ONE OF MY FAVORITE PORTLAND BARS: is Muu Muu's. And it sits in the coveted spot beside Cinema 21 on 21st Street, or as the locals call it "Trendy First Street". Needless to say, I find myself up in that area often since I am painfully trendy (in my mind)-deal with it. So after one particularly harrowing night of hipsterdom, when my gut was more microbrew than anything else and the liar bar across the street, Wimpy's, had no burger to speak of (How dare they! Their very name implies I'll be paying next Tuesday for a burger I'm getting today) I figured I may as well roll the dice on this atmospheric hub of well dressed 20 and 30 somethings that is Muu Muu's. The results were really fucking weird.

BURGER: A 1/3lb patty cooked to death and then cut to fit onto a hoagie roll. Laden with molten american cheese, ketchup and mustard and then stuffed, inexplicably, with french fries. I'm no stranger to piling french fries on a burger...when I'm stoned and 17 years old. All around me were lovely plates of bar nosh, so I was understandably embarrassed trying to stuff this monster into my sophisticated lady mouth. Results were mixed, I liked the idea that I may be able to enjoy something that a high-as-balls teenage me would appreciate, but that's also why I hated it. I'm in my 30's over here. Seriously.

FRIES: Bought in, frozen fries. They became starchy mush the minute they passed through my lips with what should not have been but was arbitrary meat chunks passing through the thick fog of bargain fried potato. Again, just a weird experience. I know it sounds worse than it was. That stoned teenager inside of me nom nom nomm'd the crap out of that hoager/burgie while the stoned adult was just hanging around being snarky.

SERVICE: I have nothing but love for the staff at Muu Muu's. Whenever I visit, the vibe of the bar makes me feel like I'm living my Portland dreams. There's always an interesting mix of people and the location is so, well, hip. They get the high marks of the night,

LOCATION; www.muumuus.net 612 Northwest 21st Avenue  Portland, OR 97209

(503) 223-8169

Despite Their Facade, TILT Does Indeed Serve Burgers and Not Vacuums

SWAN ISLAND FOR BURGERS? REALLY? Heck yes. At the confluence of the Columbia and the Willamette rivers, Swan Islands's terminal is a bustling center of commerce. Everything is coming and going, being exported and imported. Needless to say, it's flush with container ships, big rigs and millworks, but devoid of any culinary fulfillment.  Enter TILT, a rouge eatery, ingeniously located in Portland's highly employed shipping epicenter, where no other eatery has dared to inhabit.

BURGER; Tender, flavorful and well armed with cheddar, iceberg, tomato, pickle and signature TILT onions (mildly pickled, sliced onions). For an extra kick in the pants I wear in my mouth, I added their housemade jalapeno slaw to my burger. Satisfaction achieved. It's worth mentioning that aside from some seriously decadent menu burgers, they also offer a small version of their 1/3 lb burgers, which are admittedly pretty hard to get your mouth around. Companions were thrilled with their smaller burgers, while I fought what felt like an epic battle with mine. Don't worry, I won and it was the best fight I've had in a while.

FRIES; Classic batter fries were crispy and salty goodness. And apportioned generously. Perhaps a bit too much so, but when your main consumer is a dock worker, warehouse worker or ravenous office worker, I suppose it makes sense to pile 'em on.

SERVICE; I had a real hard time with the structure of the menu, but the counter person was so patient. She essentially had to hold my hand and walk me through the ordering process, which says something more about the strangely structured menu than it does about my reading comprehension. Otherwise, the team seemed chipper, and attentive, without hovering.

WHERE; 3449 N.Anchor St., Suite 200 Portland. www.tiltitup.com