Thursday, December 13, 2012

The Cat Who Made Me Hate Burgers For One Night

I NEVER WANTED TO PUNCH A CAT SO HARD IN MY LIFE:  After a lovely night of wandering around hungry, my companion and I thought we might be able to recreate  the brunch magic we'd experienced earlier at The Country Cat. Let me tell you why I will never ever ever ever eat there for dinner again. NEVER EVER EVER. And also I hate cats from the country now.

BURGER: A huge, thick, ridiculously seasoned ball of over cooked, chewy meat. A salt bomb of massive proportions. All beef flavor was lost in a hideous cloud of garlic salt and msg. I asked for a medium rare burger and received a hard beef softball. I regret even talking about burgers in this tone...let's move on.

FRIES: I opted for the onion rings which were a greasy farce, a breaded deception. My fingers were pruning with the residual grease. Unhappiness, your name is Country Cat Burger and Onion Rings.

SERVICE: Better than you. Regardless of who you are. They're better, Deal with it. On a side note. I was here on a busy Friday night, and having experienced a mostly radical brunch here, I was let down. But that's just my experience. By all means, go enjoy their phenomenal bloody marys and breakfast potatoes. JUST NEVER GET THE BURGER.

WHERE:7937 Southeast Stark Street, Portland, OR
(503) 408-1414 ·

The Day I Found The Other Killer Burger

I KNEW YOU EXISTED SOMEWHERE: Apparently you were hiding in the wilds of Sellwood, amidst the fir trees and antique shops and montessori schools. You vixen you. What a chase.What a payoff. (Click here to read my original review of Killer Burger's flagship cafe on NE Sandy wherein I do more than wax poetic)

BURGER: You know the story, these burgers are great. It's a gift to Sellwood and a perfect way to wrap up your day of vintage coverlet coveting or latex gloved rummaging at the Bins.

FRIES: My favorite fries in the city of Portland are produced at Killer Burger. Yeah, they're frozen, but there is some secret sorcery in the young nimble hands of the Killer Burger team members that impart some salty magic into these ketchup delivery wands.

SERVICE: It is joy to be served in Killer Burger. It seems that everyone loves their work and loves their customers. I love getting sunshine blown up my asshole while I shove a burger in my face hole.

WHERE: 8728 Southeast 17th Avenue
Portland, OR 97202
(503) 841-5906‎

The Weirdest Burger This Blog Ever Ate

ONE OF MY FAVORITE PORTLAND BARS: is Muu Muu's. And it sits in the coveted spot beside Cinema 21 on 21st Street, or as the locals call it "Trendy First Street". Needless to say, I find myself up in that area often since I am painfully trendy (in my mind)-deal with it. So after one particularly harrowing night of hipsterdom, when my gut was more microbrew than anything else and the liar bar across the street, Wimpy's, had no burger to speak of (How dare they! Their very name implies I'll be paying next Tuesday for a burger I'm getting today) I figured I may as well roll the dice on this atmospheric hub of well dressed 20 and 30 somethings that is Muu Muu's. The results were really fucking weird.

BURGER: A 1/3lb patty cooked to death and then cut to fit onto a hoagie roll. Laden with molten american cheese, ketchup and mustard and then stuffed, inexplicably, with french fries. I'm no stranger to piling french fries on a burger...when I'm stoned and 17 years old. All around me were lovely plates of bar nosh, so I was understandably embarrassed trying to stuff this monster into my sophisticated lady mouth. Results were mixed, I liked the idea that I may be able to enjoy something that a high-as-balls teenage me would appreciate, but that's also why I hated it. I'm in my 30's over here. Seriously.

FRIES: Bought in, frozen fries. They became starchy mush the minute they passed through my lips with what should not have been but was arbitrary meat chunks passing through the thick fog of bargain fried potato. Again, just a weird experience. I know it sounds worse than it was. That stoned teenager inside of me nom nom nomm'd the crap out of that hoager/burgie while the stoned adult was just hanging around being snarky.

SERVICE: I have nothing but love for the staff at Muu Muu's. Whenever I visit, the vibe of the bar makes me feel like I'm living my Portland dreams. There's always an interesting mix of people and the location is so, well, hip. They get the high marks of the night,

LOCATION; 612 Northwest 21st Avenue  Portland, OR 97209
(503) 223-8169